Clark Kent, the Wanton and Fair
by deanine
Summary: If the writers had been feeling a bit more frolicksome and silly when writing Red, something akin to this might have resulted. grin Don't let the title fool you. This isn't slash. As for what it is? Hopefully it's a laugh. Spoilers: Duplicity Red
1. What a Night

**Chapter 1 What a Night**

"Clark Kent if you don't hurry you're going to be late for school, I don't care how fast you run," Martha called. Without even looking, she managed to get Jonathan his cup of coffee and three plates of breakfast to the table in one motion.

"Those are some skills, Mrs. Kent," Pete Ross said. He knocked at the screen door before coming on in.

Martha grinned and shrugged. "Thanks Pete. Would you like some breakfast? Clark has decided to sleep in."

Pete shrugged and took a seat. "Don't mind if I do."

* * *

Upstairs, curled into a ball on the floor, Clark Kent moaned. "What happened?" Every cell in his body was aching. "I bet this is what it's supposed to feel like when you get hit by a truck." Clark cleared his throat reflexively. What was wrong with his voice? It didn't sound right. He'd never had a cold before. Maybe this was his first? Clark uncurled and lay flat. He reached a hand up to his throat and cleared his throat again. A cold sinking sensation settled in his stomach. That was wrong. Too small, too smooth, where the Hell was his Adam's apple.

Despite the soreness and the sharp aches, Clark came to his feet quickly. The horrified stranger staring out of his mirror did nothing to assuage the panic building in him. Those were his eyes, and that was his hair, but the face was wrong, too thin, too delicate. "What happened to me?" Clark whispered. His night clothes were dangling off his frame like a tent, but the voluminous folds didn't hide the twin swells, which had emerged on his chest. "I'm not going to scream. I'm not going to scream." Clark pulled back on his boxers and took a peek. "Oh, God."

* * *

"Clark Kent! If you don't get moving, I'm going to come up there and roll you out of bed myself," Jonathan called.

Pete shoveled one more mouthful of eggs down and stood. "Hey, I'll get him. We're presenting a paper for World history and we need to strategize." Pete took the stairs two at a time and knocked casually on Clark's bedroom door. "I'm coming in man."

"No!"

Pete heard the lock click before he could even turn the doorknob. Clark sounded weird. "You okay in there, man? We're going to be late if you don't hurry up."

"I'm not going to school, Pete. I'm not coming out of this room."

Pete frowned and put his ear up to the door. Clark sounded really strange. "Man you have to go to school. I'm not presenting that paper alone. What's wrong?"

Arms crossed over his chest, Clark stared at the door from his bed. "Pete, I don't know what happened to me, but I can't come out like this."

Something happened? Maybe Clark had developed a new ability? Maybe it was embarrassing? Being friends with an alien kept life interesting. "Clark, whatever it is, you'll be okay. Let me in. I could run downstairs and get your parents if you'd rather talk to them."

Clark tried to imagine his Dad's reaction to finding his son had switched genders overnight. He'd lose it. Mom would probably handle it better. She tended to not panic over the little things, as if this was a little thing. "Don't bother them, yet. Maybe it's temporary?"

"Clark you're freaking me out. Just let me in," Pete said.

Handling this alone was not an option. Clark padded over to the door and clicked the lock slowly. "Promise not to get upset or scream?"

That gave Pete pause. Don't scream? Had Clark grown a second head or something? Maybe he'd turned green in typical alien fashion. "I can handle it." The door swung open and Pete's mouth dropped open. Where was Clark? There was a girl, barely taller than him standing there in Clark's sweatshirt and boxers. She wasn't tiny but the oversized clothes made her look twelve. Pete's eyes strayed back to her chest, well maybe not twelve.

"Get in here and shut the door," Clark ordered. "I have to figure out what happened before I face anyone."

That girl was acting like she was... That girl was not Clark Kent. "Okay, where's Clark? Funny joke but seriously." Pete dropped to his knees and peered under the bed.

Clark shook his head and pushed the baggy sleeves of his shirt up. "It's me Pete, your friend the alien? I need you to be calm for me here because I'm panicking."

Pete stood and stared at this girl who clamed to be Clark. The eyes were right and she knew that Clark was an alien. "You're really him?" At least he hadn't turned green or grown a second head. "Jeez man, this just happened overnight?"

Clark shrugged and sat Indian style on his bed. "I don't remember how I got home last night. I took a walk, went to see Lex, started home, then I woke up here like this."

Pete couldn't stop staring at Clark's chest. His best friend had bigger breasts than... _Stop!_ Pete shut his eyes and shook his head. "What are we going to do?"

"I'm skipping school today and I'm going to find out what happened to me last night," Clark said. He went to his closet and pulled out a pair of jeans and a shirt.

Pete shook his head. "Go down to your mom's room, man. That stuff isn't going to fit."

"Right," Clark said. He discarded his clothes and headed for the door.

Pete refrained from watching the rhythmic up and down movement of Clark chest. "Man, uh, you might want to borrow a..." Pete gestured his hands in front of his chest in a cradling fashion. "You know, too."

A bight red blush spread over Clark's face and he crossed his arms over his chest. "No problem. Just, stop looking at them, okay?"

* * *

**Author's Note: **

What happened last night? Is Pete attracted to Female-Clark? Will Clark be able to reverse whatever happened? When will Ma and Pa Kent meet their cough daughter? 

I guess we will see ;) 


	2. Estrogen

**Chapter 2 Estrogen **

"The coast is clear," Pete called. He was standing halfway down the stairs craning his neck around to see the Kent kitchen. "You're parents are already outside."

Clark paused with his thumbs hooked under the straps of his mom's bra and let the contraption snap into place. He straightened his mom's t-shirt and nodded. "Thanks, Pete. I'll meet you at your car." Rather than risk a slow descent, Clark ran as fast as he could for that retro blue sanctuary in the driveway and threw himself flat into the backseat.

"Good thing I didn't blink," Pete said. Well at least Clark's other powers were apparently still working. Pete followed behind his speedy friend and tried not to laugh. Clark might not understand his amusement. You had to laugh at the situation though. Clark Kent, the tall manly man, was a girl. Pete's mind wandered back to the two appendages his friend had gained, and this time Pete blushed. Make that a young woman. Clark Kent was definitely not a girl. _I am spending entirely too much time contemplating Clark's chest. We have to get this boy changed back before 'Little Pete' starts noticing the change. Our friendship might not survive the scandal. _"Okay man," Pete said. His engine growled to life and they started rolling toward the open road. "We'll be clear of the farm in about ten seconds."

Clark peeked out the back glass and tried to spot his parents. They weren't anywhere in sight, and he sighed. This had to be temporary, didn't it? He was an alien though. Randomly changing genders might just be a predilection of his species. Maybe this was like his other powers, and he could control it? "Look out Pete, I'm coming up there."

Pete watched skeptically as Clark squeezed through the gap between his seats. "Hey, so where are we going?"

Clark slid low in the front seat and sighed. "I guess we should start at Lex's place, try to trace my steps home."

Pete snorted. It was a little coincidental that Clark's problems had started right after visiting Lex Luthor. Pete couldn't actually think of a way that Lex could have caused this, but there probably was one. "You think your buddy, Lex, had anything to do with this?"

"Not really. I remember leaving Lex's place. I was fine," Clark said. "You don't think he'll recognize me, do you? I mean if we run into Lex, he won't be able to tell, right?"

"Don't worry man. You don't look like Clark Kent in drag. We just have to play it cool. I'll call you Claire or Clara? Which do you like better?" Pete asked. He could see Clark covering his face and sighing out of the corner of his eye. "If you don't want everybody to know what's happening, we have to make this believable."

"I know, Pete. It's just weird. You're handling this all pretty well, you know. Thanks." With a resigned shake of his head Clark picked a new name. "Clara's fine, I guess."

"Clara it is," Pete announced. "I'm thinking we can get away with saying you're my girlfriend for the short term. Hopefully, there won't be a long term, right?"

"Your girlfriend?" Clark said. "I guess that's more believable than calling me your cousin."

Pete laughed. "If you want to go with cousin, we could say you're adopted. It wouldn't even be a lie."

"Let's just get out of here quick so we don't encounter anyone," Clark said. "It won't matter who Clara is if she doesn't meet anybody."

Pete threw the car into park and turned to Clark. "Okay, ready? Let's figure out what happened to you, man."

Once out of the car, Clark spun slowly. "I hope something happened to me. Otherwise this is just normal for whatever I am." His mother's bra caught him the wrong way and he winced. "And this just can't be normal."

"Buddy, no one who really knows you will ever accuse you of being normal. Maybe we can get you back to where you can fake it though."

* * *

Tap. Tap. Tip. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tip. Tap. Tap.

Lex squeezed his eyes shut and tried to ignore the tapping cane that signaled his father's advancement through the house. At least he wasn't hard to avoid when he was moving. Lex never thought the drafty old manor would feel anything but massive and hollow, but Lionel, could fill a place with his presence, even diminished as he was. The dwelling had shrunk under his father's will until it was suffocating.

The incessant tapping was coming closer. Lex rose slowly and headed for the door. He couldn't avoid his father all the time, but there wasn't any reason to deal with the crippled wolf today.

Today Lex might just take advantage of his garage full of avoidance.

* * *

"So, is anything coming back to you?" Pete asked. Clark had wandered out into the field abutting the drive and was just standing there. "You okay?"

"No to both questions," Clark said. "I don't even remember which route I decided to take home."

Pete heard the wrought iron gate behind him begin rolling slowly back. He spun and stared at the little silver sports car waiting on the other side. Great, that was all they needed, an audience. What were the odds that Lex would just drive on by? "Look out, man. We got company."

Clark cringed and made his way to Pete's side. "Am I a girlfriend or cousin?" He tried to stay calm. Pete said he wasn't recognizable. No one could possibly connect Clara with Clark, right?

Pete grinned and wrapped his arm around Clark. "Smile sugar plum."

* * *

Lex pushed his perfect black tinted designer shades up and frowned at the couple standing outside his gate. Pete Ross had never been one to come visit. The last time he'd wandered anywhere near the mansion, it had been under the influence of the Nicodemus flower and he'd been gunning for Lex.

Driving past with a wave was tempting, but Lex let his curiosity get the better of him and he pulled up alongside the couple. "Pete, what's so interesting about my field that you're occupying it this early on a school day? While your at it, who is the lovely creature there with you?" Lex asked. He scanned the girl quickly, a little tomboyish with the short curls but well put together. Not to mention she had quite lovely green eyes to top it off. Lex offered up his most debonair smile and waited to see if he'd get a reaction.

Pete couldn't believe the gall of the man. Lex didn't even know who Clark was and he was flirting. It was despicable. "Morning Lex. This is Clara, my new girlfriend. We're an item, together, you know, dating."

Clark had started to blush when Lex called him a 'lovely creature'. Then when Lex had smiled at him a strange feeling made his stomach go all fluttery. It was like the feeling he always got when Lana smiled at him. Clark was so confused and freaked, he hardly heard Pete's introduction. "Hey, down boy," Clark said. He patted Pete's arm and forced a smile. "Nice to meet you, Mr. Luthor."

Lex dismissed the girl from his mental list of interesting people. The blush had been quaint, but the tomboy wasn't his type. Besides, there was no reason to step on the ever-moody Pete's toes. "Nice to meet you, Clara. Now if you don't mind me asking again, why are you two love birds hanging out in front of my home in a field?"

Pete and Clark exchanged a quick panicked look. "Uh, we just, we were taking a drive," Pete stammered.

"Yeah, and I wanted to see what the Luthor estate looked like," Clark added. "Coming here was totally my idea. We aren't trespassing are we?"

"Not at all, any friend of Clark's," Lex said. He nodded to Pete and dropped his shades back into place. "I'd offer you a real tour, but I have to be running." Lex didn't completely believe Pete and Clara's explanation for their whereabouts, but for now his desire to drive beat out his curiosity.

"That went well," Pete said. "I almost believed us."

Clark couldn't bring himself to agree. "Pete, I think the female hormones are taking over. I just got the weirdest feeling when Lex smiled at me. What if this is permanent? What if I have to be Clara?"

"Whoa buddy, it's okay. We're going to get your testosterone back." Pete put a comforting hand on Clark's shoulder. "Even if you are stuck like this, it wouldn't be all bad right? It isn't like you turned into a three-headed monster. So you have to live part of your life as a woman, there are worse things that could have happened."

Clark moaned and sank down into the grass. "Wasn't my life complicated enough? I can't handle this."

Pete frowned down at his buddy and squatted next to him. "Hey, I can't find your testosterone without your help. Are you giving up?"

"No. I can't give up. If we haven't fixed this by tonight, I have to face my parents," Clark said. He leveled Pete with a very serious look. "I cannot face my father like this. We have to fix it."

"Then get on your feet and we'll work on it," Pete said. He offered Clark and hand and pulled him up. "I think we should get some help though."

"Help?" Clark said. "Who are we supposed to ask for help?"

"Simple, we need Chloe."

**Author's Note: **

Hehehe... I got a review that called my story odd. Woo hoo! At least it isn't boring right? lol Seriously, thanks for the reviews and I'll see you in a week probably. School just had to start back didn't it?


	3. Help?

**Chapter 3 Help? **

"This is a bad idea, Pete. I can't tell Chloe my secret. My parents would murder me. You should have seen the flak I caught over telling you," Clark said. "It's not that I don't trust her and want to be honest with her."

"Whoa, just breathe man. I didn't say anything about blabbing secrets. I understand why you're keeping folks out of the loop. I just think Chloe might know about any new Meteor-Mutant activity in the area. Maybe there's a mutant turning guys into girls and vice versa?" Pete said. "Get in. We're going to school. While you talk with Chloe, I'll wander down to World History and present our research paper. This way I'll save both our GPA's and maybe you'll find a clue about your transformation."

How could Pete be worried about something as unimportant as a history paper at a time like this? Clark needed him! "It all makes sense now. Sorry I took you away from your important day. Go to school. I can handle this myself. It isn't like I haven't had to deal with being an alien without your help before." Clark crossed his arms and glared at Pete.

"The estrogen is taking over," Pete mumbled under his breath. "Just take a breath man. This is a good idea. Think about it. Chloe is the God of all things weird in Smallville. If something strange is going on, she probably knows something about it. If it hadn't been for her helpful insight, I'd never have figured out what red Kryptonite does to you. Admit it, Chloe could help."

"I'll give you that. Chloe knows her meteors. So you send me down there to grill her alone? She doesn't know Clara," Clark said. "How am I supposed to approach her?"

"Unless you want to present the paper, I suggest you figure it out. Come on. This is a good plan. Stop sulking and get in the car," Pete said.

Clark wandered over to the passenger side and glared at Pete. "I am not sulking." But maybe I'm being a little unreasonable? "Let's go before you miss history. I **guess** I can handle Chloe."

* * *

Lana scanned the quad for a familiar face to spend her lunch break with. She spotted Chloe, alone and scribbling in a notebook. It was unusual to catch her without Clark or Pete or both of them when she was at school. "Chloe, hey. Have you had lunch?"

Chloe looked up and smiled. "Lunch? I'm trying to get the last of this algebra homework done, but I can be company. It isn't like algebra requires my full attention."

"You're better at math than me then." Lana joined Chloe at her picnic table and unwrapped her egg salad. "I was surprised to see you out here solo. What happened to your usual posse?"

"You noticed that I'm missing a couple of appendages? Clark and Pete didn't show up for class this morning. Should be sad when they try to get a make-up on their history paper presentation. Mrs. Miller does not take BS." Chloe snapped her text shut. "Sometimes I think those boys are keeping me out of the loop. Has anyone asked me to skip school? I can only assume it's guy stuff."

"So the boys are skipping? That's not good." Hopefully Clark hadn't decided to have another personality swing. Lana cringed at the thought of those couple of days when Clark had gone dark and wild. Just when you thought you knew someone, they'd go and surprise you. Well Clark had returned to normal, but Lana didn't completely trust the good-boy facade anymore.

"Um... excuse me."

Chloe looked up and smiled. An awkward girl with short dark hair had approached their picnic table. She had that look, like she wasn't comfortable in her own skin. "Hi, do I know you? You look familiar," Chloe said. "No name's coming to mind."

Lana turned and waved. "Have a seat, I'm Lana." The girl look scared, like she thought Chloe or Lana might bite. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, wonderful, never better. I'm Clara, Pete's friend. But I'm from out of town, far away, not Metropolis, Kansas City." Clark couldn't seem to stop talking. This was not how lies worked. You weren't supposed to talk. You kept quiet unless pressed. What was wrong with him? He'd been lying as long as he'd been talking. Did testosterone help with lying? They were going to be able to tell. Chloe said he looked familiar. Did she see? "Can I talk to you, Chloe?"

Chloe frowned and arched an eyebrow. This girl was about to have a panic attack, and she'd called Chloe by name. How did this girl know her name? "Okay. In private? Excuse us, Lana."

Clark relaxed a small degree after they were out of Lana's earshot. At least he didn't have to babble in front of her any more. "I know you don't know me, and this probably seems a little strange."

"I've seen strange, this hardly qualifies as eccentric, yet. Where do I know you from 'Clara'? You obviously know me," Chloe said. She crossed her arms and waited for an explanation.

Clark had no idea where he'd slipped, but somehow Chloe knew that he knew her. "Why would you say that? I don't know you. Pete told me to talk to you." Clark knew all the blood had to have drained out of his face.

"You might as well just tell me what's going on, Clara. You're obviously not much of a liar." Chloe couldn't keep herself from smiling. Maybe a front page had wandered up and plopped down into her lap? You never knew.

Clark winced. He knew that look. That was cutthroat journalist, Chloe. "I just need to know if any new meteor freaks have cropped up lately. I know you don't know me, but I am a friend of Pete's, and I really need to know."

Chloe blinked, stared, and lost her breath. _I know that puppy-dog look. I know those eyes. _Clara? Clark? "Oh my God. That's not possible." Chloe leaned in closer and fingered Clara's hair. She'd seen that shirt before. It was just like the one Martha Kent wore to parent teacher day. Was she insane? Another look at those eyes decided her. "Clark? It's you isn't it?"

"I... what are you talking about? My name..." Clark stepped back and contemplated running away. She was just too sharp. Chloe might hold the key to figuring this all out though. Maybe a little truth would be enough? Clark stared at his feet and shrugged. "You got me. It's Clark. I was attacked, meteor mutant. I need leads Chloe. I can't go home like this, and I thought you might be able to help."

Chloe had been half angry with Clark since the Spring Formal. Seeing him like this, desperate and neutered. Holding on to that bit of anger was impossible. "I don't have any information for you, but you are going to be okay, Clark. I know it."

"Right, I just may have to be Clara," Clark said. "That's not such a big deal." He reached out a hand and touched Chloe's cheek. _You should have kissed her more while you were still a guy._ "Tell Pete if you see him that I went home. I have to stop being a chicken and touch base with my parents."

Chloe nodded and let him... her... walk away. Dazedly she made her way back to the picnic table and started piling her books up. Clark was a woman? It was just insane. There had to be something she could do. A man that beautiful, it just wasn't fair. They had to fix him.

"Is everything okay? That girl seemed pretty upset," Lana said. Whatever had the twitchy girl upset, seemed to have upset Chloe too. She looked awfully pale and confused.

Chloe stared at Lana, too shell-shocked to fake a smile. "She has good reason. I have to get some research done. I'll see you."

* * *

Pete made his way into the Torch's office and scanned for Clark. He was supposed to have met Pete at the car, but he hadn't shown. He must have gotten some good information from Chloe. Well, there was Chloe, bent over her laptop scrolling seriously, but no Clark. "Hey, did my friend Clara stop by? I told her you could hook her up with some good meteor rock information."

Chloe stared at Pete and batted her eyes dramatically. "Clark told me everything."

Clark had told Chloe everything? "You're kidding? The estrogen is screwing with that boy's head. He'll probably be telling Lex Luthor he's an alien next. His parents are not going to be happy."

Chloe frowned and came to her feet. "Pete, Clark isn't an alien. He was attacked by a meteor mutant..." Where had that come from? Clark was an alien...

Stupid, stupid, stupid, Pete grinned and nodded. "You're right, absolutely. I was just kidding. Watched a Roswell marathon last night and I was going for the laugh. You're not laughing." The Kents were going to murder him. _I've known Clark's secret for what, two weeks? I'm slipping it to everybody I talk to. _

"An alien?" Chloe whispered. "You said Clark was an alien. As a joke?"

* * *

**Author's Note: **

I almost lost the silly inspiration after watching Red. Am I the only person who spent the entire episode with their head covered by a pillow telling themselves that it was just a TV show?


	4. Last Call, Flight 124 to Mars

** Chapter 4 Last Call, Flight 124 to Mars **

A bushel of yellow squash propped on her hip and a small bucket of red and green cayenne peppers dangling from her wrist, Martha groped for the door handle.

"Let me help you."

The unexpected offer startled her and she almost dropped everything. "Whoa, you scared me there." The girl standing on her porch reached out and took the squash effortlessly from her hip. She was sweet looking. Martha couldn't help smiling. Maybe she was a friend of Clark's? It was early for the kids to be out of school though. "Have we met?"

"Actually we have," Clark said. "Let me get these inside for you."

Martha frowned and followed the unknown girl into her kitchen. "You look really familiar, but I can't place a name."

"Try Clark. It's me, Mom." Clark didn't turn to face his mom. He just cringed and waited for her to deny it.

"What? I think I'd recognize my own son. Who are you?" Martha said. "Have you done something to Clark?"

Clark spun around and tried not to cry. He might be a girl, but he wasn't going to cry about it. "It's me, your child, the alien. We have my ship in the storm cellar." He waved his hand dramatically. "Last night Dad ate three helpings of meatloaf, and you teased him about getting love handles for twenty minutes. How could I know any of that if I wasn't Clark?"

Martha's mouth dropped open and she shook her head. That was her shirt, and those jeans had a little stain on the pocket right where... There were tears in the girl's, Clark's, eyes about to spill over. "Clark? Baby what happened?"

"I don't even know," Clark said. "I lost time last night, blacked out. I woke up like this. Pete and I have been trying to figure it all out, but we came up dry."

"This morning? You didn't come right to us?" Martha asked. "How could you not come to us? Clark we should have been helping you work on this problem."

Clark looked down at his feet and shrugged helplessly. "I didn't want to face Dad. He'll be disappointed in me. His son switched genders last night, Mom." _ I'm a total freak._

Before Martha could reassure Clark, the backdoor opened. "Martha, you should see the present we have in the east pasture. The new cow Alice dropped her calf and they both look great," Jonathan said. He came in and walked straight over to the sink for a quick wash and glass of water. Mid scrub, he noticed that Martha wasn't alone. "Hello there, nice to meet you. I'm Jonathan Kent." Jonathan wiped his hands and extended a hand.

Clark stared at his dad's proffered hand and bit back the urge to run or lie. His parents loved him, no matter what. Right? "We've met. It's me dad, Clark."

Jonathan chuckled and turned to Martha. "I don't think so." Martha didn't return his amused look. She looked entirely too serious. "You aren't Clark. She isn't Clark, right?"

"Actually, she is Clark," Martha said. She moved around and wrapped a comforting arm around her son and plastered a smile on her face. "Tell him it's going to be okay, Jon."

Jonathan couldn't find the words to offer the reassurance Martha asked him for. That couldn't be Clark. That was not Clark. "How do we know this is Clark?"

Clark pushed away from his mom and shrugged. This was how he knew it was going to go. His dad couldn't handle this one. Could he really blame him? "I'm sorry, Dad. I don't know what happened."

"It's him, Jonathan. He's our Clark," Martha said. Her tone brooked no argument and she nodded from Jonathan to Clark as though ordering him to do something fatherly.

Jonathan came forward and stared into Clark's eyes. "Jesus, son, I don't believe it." There was no denying it. This was his boy, well girl. How was he supposed to deal with this one? "It'll be okay. I don't know how, but it will be."

* * *

The next morning...

Martha expertly flipped an egg in her skillet and completed the third plate of breakfast. She hadn't been sure if Clark would want as much breakfast as before. He was a lot smaller now. In the end she'd decided to err on the side of excess. "Clark, baby, breakfast," Martha called. She set breakfast out and took a seat next to Jonathan. "Well what now?"

"You're asking me? We can't pass Clark off as Clark in that condition. Do you think it's permanent?" Jonathan said. Sometimes it was not easy to be the head of this household.

"Clark keeps parenting adventurous," Martha said. "I was thinking we could tell everyone that we sent Clark to my Aunt in Topeka for a visit."

"And who do we tell everyone the girl upstairs is?"

"We've been calling him Clara." Pete was standing just outside the screen door. He waved a little and let himself in. "Is Clark feeling any better?"

Jonathan stared hard at Pete and shook his head disapprovingly. "I'm very disappointed in you Pete. Clark was freaked out, but you should have been the voice of reason. The next time something like this happens, I expect you to have the sense to come to us."

"Don't be so hard on him, Jonathan," Martha said. "I'm sure they were both pretty freaked out."

* * *

Clark yawned and stretched in his bed. The sun was shining on his face and he squinted against it. It was several seconds before the memory of yesterday came crashing back to him. Clark groaned and stared at the ceiling. "Wait, that groan sounded..." He cleared his throat and ran his hands over his throat. That was definitely an Adam's apple. Was it all a dream? Clark ran his hands over his flat chest and bounced to his feet.

The image in his mirror was him, male him. Clark Kent was back! The shorts and shirt he'd borrowed from his mom were stretched taunt, outlining his every muscle and appendage, obscenely verifying his return to manhood. Maybe it wasn't a dream, but it was over. "Thank you God."

Clark was about to shout to his parents, but his shirt ripped when he lifted his arms, and he decided to get dressed first. They were going to be so excited. Clark moved around his room and dressed as fast as he could. Clothes in place and one boot on, Clark froze. "Hello..."

In the tread of his right boot, glowing red... was it red meteor rock? That stuff was supposed to make him crazy, not make him switch genders, right? "Could it have been the meteor rock? Maybe I don't just switch genders randomly. Maybe it was all a hallucination." Could he have been gibbering the day away insanely? The very thought left him queasy.

* * *

"Clark! I'm coming on up," Martha said. "We need to figure out how we're going to handle this sweetie."

Jonathan smiled resignedly at Pete. "They'll have a nice Mother-Daughter talk and figure this all out."

Pete shook his head and smiled back. It was simply amazing how easily the Kents adapted to the curve balls Clark threw them. "You're handling this all pretty well. I thought you guys would be panicking."

"First time Clark took off so fast he was a blur, we panicked. First time Clark flipped over the truck trying to get a ball back, we panicked. After the x-ray vision, the heat vision, and the floating, I'm through panicking. We can handle anything, including gender switching. I'm sure Clark will figure out how he changed genders, and then he'll figure out how to change back."

"Good news," Martha said. "We've already figured it out."

"What?" Jonathan said. There they were, Martha a Clark exactly as they should be. Jonathan had never been so happy to see his **son**. He was standing there behind Martha and smiling self-consciously. That was his boy. "Welcome back," Jonathan said.

Pete started clapping. "All right man, you're back to normal."

Martha frowned at the two men in her kitchen. "You say that like being a woman was a bigger deal than being an alien? Come on."

"You know that whole, women are from Venus and Men are from Mars bit," Pete said. "Well Clark took the express to Venus and that had to be confusing, right man."

Clark shrugged. He'd barely been a girl long enough to get an estrogen rush. Frankly, he was doing his best to forget what it had all felt like. "I may never recover. If anyone's interested, I think I know what happened. There was a red meteor rock in the sole of my boot."

"Red meteor rocks make Clark evil though?" Pete said.

"Apparently they multitask," Martha said. "Now since Clark's been haphazardly exposed to this little rock for the last two days, I think we should keep him home just to make sure it's out of his system."

"Agreed, two days at least," Jonathan said. "Spread the word Pete, Clark has the flu, very contagious, no visitors."

"No problem, captain," Pete said. "Enjoy your vacation man."

* * *

** Epilogue**

Clark stood at the edge of his loft, staring out at the stars. The night was clear and each point of light seemed brighter than usual. Maybe it was because he was in a good mood, getting back to normal, but everything just felt beautiful.

"Clark?"

"Hey Chloe." Clark smiled shyly. Chloe had been able to see through the Clara shell to him. What were they supposed to talk about now? He didn't want to discuss yesterday with anyone.

"You're back. That's really great. Pete let me know but I wanted to see for myself," Chloe said. She looked down at the sheet of paper folded in her hand, her trump card, her ploy at extortion. Was she really going to do this? "I brought a copy of tomorrow's edition of the Torch. I thought you might like to see it."

The Torch? Why would Chloe bring him an early edition of the Torch? Clark accepted the sheet and opened it. "Clark Kent, the Wanton and Fair: Meteor Madness Strikes Smallville Again." There were two pictures of him, a Clark and a Clara. How could she have a picture? Why would Chloe do this to him? Clark didn't even read the text. "Why would you write this?"

He looked so sad and hurt. Chloe swallowed against the lump in her throat and refused to show any weakness. "I want answers Clark, real ones, off the record but true. Otherwise, I'm taking what I know and starting a series of articles about the mystery that is Clark Kent. Pete said you were an alien. Are you?"

"Pete told you I was an alien? Are you serious?" Clark wished Pete were there so he could practice his heat vision on his buddy's sneakers. His parents would kill him if he told Chloe. He just couldn't. Clark looked down at the damning article in front of him with its two damning pictures. "I'm your friend. I can't believe you'd do this to me. I guess I was wrong to trust you Chloe. I wanted to tell you so much until this moment. Now that I have to, it scares me to death because you aren't the person I always thought you were."

It was true. God, it was true. Chloe didn't feel a rush of victory or joy at learning this secret. She'd had to drag their friendship down a level to make it happen. Would Clark believe that she had never had any intention of publishing the version of the Torch she'd given him? Probably not, but Clark would forgive her. He was that kind of guy. "I should be the one who's angry. You've been lying to me as long as you've known me."

"Go be angry then," Clark said. "I don't want to talk right now anyway. Just promise me that you won't write an article about me or tell anyone. I don't want to end up being vivisected."

He had to ask? Clark was more upset with her than she thought he would be. "You know I'd never tell anyone, or write an article about you. It's me."

Clark held up the article she'd written and dropped it at her feet. "It's you... If you aren't going to leave, I'll go. Would you like to see something your alien friend can do? Don't blink." Clark ran away as fast as he could go. If he didn't get away, he was going to start crying.

Chloe plopped down on the nearest bail of hay and picked up her article. Clark was an alien, a really fast alien. And he was so pissed at her. God, Clark was an ALIEN. Chloe smiled and wiped at her eyes. Clark was a very cute alien who was going to forgive her, eventually.

* * *

** Author's Note**

Why is this the end? Because I finished with the silliness, that's why :) To keep going would turn this into a romantic Clark Chloe piece, and that was never the point of the fic. If you laughed, at least once, I achieved my goal with this story.

Now that you all know for certain that it was the little red rock... I must once again give credit to the Superman comics. I have always enjoyed a good Red Kryptonite issue and this whole I-will-gender-bend-you Red Kryptonite thing has been done. Someday I will write a Smallville fic that doesn't involve a comic book tie in. Oh wait, is that possible? ;)

Final note - Becs! Thanks for catching my slip with the Red Kryptonite in chapter 3 lol - I never would have noticed.


End file.
